“Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.” Parenting advice from Homer Simpson

For fellow Simpsons fans:

“No, no, no, Lisa. If adults don’t like their jobs, they don’t go on strike. They just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American Way.”

“OK, son. Just remember to have fun out there today, and if you lose, I’LL KILL YOU!”

“You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.”

“The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let’s see. Don’t tattle. Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything, unless you’re sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do. What else…”

“Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.”

“When I look at the smiles on all the children’s faces, I just know they’re about to jab me with something.”

“I have to work overtime at work instead of spending time with my wife and kids, which is what I want.”

“Kids are great, Apu. You can teach them to hate the things you hate and they practically raise themselves now-a-days, you know, with the internet and all.”

“I think the saddest day of my life was when I realized I could beat my Dad at most things, and Bart experienced that at the age of four.”

“Don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them.”

“Marge, don’t discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.”

“What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts. “

“It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in 8 hours of TV a day.”

“Remember as far as anyone knows, we’re a nice normal family.”

“Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is another nail.”

“The key to parenting is don’t overthink it. Because overthinking leads to … what were talking about?”

Related:

Funny signs from The Simpsons (and links to lots more).

An archive of Bart's blackboard writing. The graphic below is from 2012 - click on it to zoom.