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Friday, October 9, 2015

Friday links

Very cool new visual effects reel from season 5 of ‘Game of Thrones’: Mastering the Dragons.

Infographic: The Flowchart of Medieval Penitent Sex.

October 10th, 732 - the clash of civilization at the Battle of Tours (and how it shaped history).

20 Percent of 911 Calls in San Francisco Are Butt Dials.

ICYMI, Monday's links are here, and include framing your loved one's tattoos after they die, an interactive chart showing how many years you probably have left to live, how McDonald's straws are designed to mimic breastfeeding, and the story behind Monty Python's 'Dead Parrot Sketch'.

Monday, October 5, 2015

It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Mother****ers (definitely NSFW)

From McSweeney's, originally published October 20, 2009 - they republish it each Autumn:

I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to get my hands on some fucking gourds and arrange them in a horn-shaped basket on my dining room table. That shit is going to look so seasonal. I’m about to head up to the attic right now to find that wicker fucker, dust it off, and jam it with an insanely ornate assortment of shellacked vegetables. When my guests come over it’s gonna be like, BLAMMO! Check out my shellacked decorative vegetables, assholes. Guess what season it is—fucking fall. There’s a nip in the air and my house is full of mutant fucking squash.

I may even throw some multi-colored leaves into the mix, all haphazard like a crisp October breeze just blew through and fucked that shit up. Then I’m going to get to work on making a beautiful fucking gourd necklace for myself. People are going to be like, “Aren’t those gourds straining your neck?” And I’m just going to thread another gourd onto my necklace without breaking their gaze and quietly reply, “It’s fall, fuckfaces. You’re either ready to reap this freaky-assed harvest or you’re not.”

Carving orange pumpkins sounds like a pretty fitting way to ring in the season. You know what else does? Performing an all-gourd reenactment of an episode of Diff’rent Strokes—specifically the one when Arnold and Dudley experience a disturbing brush with sexual molestation. Well, this shit just got real, didn’t it? Felonies and gourds have one very important commonality: they’re both extremely fucking real. Sorry if that’s upsetting, but I’m not doing you any favors by shielding you from this anymore.

The next thing I’m going to do is carve one of the longer gourds into a perfect replica of the Mayflower as a shout-out to our Pilgrim forefathers. Then I’m going to do lines of blow off its hull with a hooker. Why? Because it’s not summer, it’s not winter, and it’s not spring. Grab a calendar and pull your fucking heads out of your asses; it’s fall, fuckers.

McSweeney's sells this gourd season mug
Have you ever been in an Italian deli with salamis hanging from their ceiling? Well then you’re going to fucking love my house. Just look where you’re walking or you’ll get KO’d by the gauntlet of misshapen, zucchini-descendant bastards swinging from above. And when you do, you’re going to hear a very loud, very stereotypical Italian laugh coming from me. Consider yourself warned.

For now, all I plan to do is to throw on a flannel shirt, some tattered overalls, and a floppy fucking hat and stand in the middle of a cornfield for a few days. The first crow that tries to land on me is going to get his avian ass bitch-slapped all the way back to summer.

Welcome to autumn, fuckheads!

Saturday, October 3, 2015

Friday, October 2, 2015

Remember dinosaur porn? Now it's Bigfoot - Can you say ‘cryptozoological erotica'? (NSFW language)

Amazon Cracks Down On America’s Latest Sex Fantasy

Cum For Bigfoot outsold all of Wade’s other erotica, earning her up to $30,000 a month through Amazon’s Kindle Direct Publishing. So she kept churning out Sasquatch stories, publishing a total of 16 books in the Cum for Bigfoot series. In 2012, Penthouse declared Bigfoot leader of the “paranormal pack,” referring to the bizarro subset of erotica that has exploded in the wake of Fifty Shades of Grey’s success. “If there was a market for monster sex, I was gonna give it to them,” Wade told Business Insider.

Indeed, there’s a growing demand for mythical creature porn in ebook format. Plots invariably center on women seduced by (or forced to have sex with) leprechauns, gargoyles, minotaurs, aliens, or any type of man-beast hybrid. The Week gave special mention to dinosaur erotica in its “Unexpected Trends of 2013” list, calling it “the strangest literary phenomenon of the year, and possibly ever.” But the publication underestimated just how niche this stuff gets. For example, a search for the Bigfoot series on Amazon yields related titles like Ravaged by the Hydra, Mounted by the Gryphon, Fertilized in Space, and—my personal favorite—Frankenstein’s Bitch.

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Very cool new visual effects reel from season 5 of ‘Game of Thrones’: Mastering the Dragons

It's really astonishing how much work goes into relatively fleeting scenes in Game of Thrones:

Game of Thrones season six: three latest leaks from on set (spoilers).

Season 4 Bloopers

Behind-the-Scenes Look at the Visual Effects From Game of Thrones Season 4

Queen Elizabeth Visits Game of Thrones Set (and Pugs of Westeros)

Iron Throne Shoes.

For $20K, Game of Thrones Author Will Write You Into Future Novel Then Kill You Off

Valyrian steel, length of the seasons, dragon biology: The Science of Game of Thrones, bonus geological map.

If Game Of Thrones Characters Were Drawn By Disney

Game of Thrones infographic chronology: 4 seasons of the 4 main families and the Night’s Watch.

Peter Dinklage Summarizes Game of Thrones In 45 Seconds.

Super Mario Game of Thrones.

Video: Hodor (Kristian Nairn) Describes His Awkward Game of Thrones Nude Scene.

Game of Goats, A Yelling Goats Version of the Game of Thrones Theme Song.

Game of Thrones Wine Map: The Wines of Westeros.

Supercut of pithy quotes from Game of Thrones, Seasons 1-3.

Fallen behind on Game of Thrones, or want a refresher before Season 4? All 3 seasons recapped in 9 minutes.

Game of Thrones: new trailer and an interview with the actors on who should end up on the iron throne.

Deleted And Extended Scenes From Game Of Thrones Season 3 (NSFW - language)

The Game of Thrones Travel Guide.

Monday, September 28, 2015

Monday links

For my fellow grammar Nazis: Scenes From The Unproduced Screenplay: Strunk & White: Grammar Police.

Interactive chart showing how many years you probably have left to live.

The story behind Monty Python's 'Dead Parrot Sketch', with bonus Maggie Thatcher.

I had to walk miles uphill (in both directions) in my bare feet in several feet of snow, but these kids have it worse: 25 Of The Most Dangerous And Unusual Journeys To School In The World.

McDonald's Straws Are Designed to Mimic the Experience of Breastfeeding.

ICYMI, Friday's links are here, and include a lesson in correlation is not causation: charts of weird things that correlate with each other, the world's oldest beer recipe (from Sumeria, 1800 B.C.), a chicken that lived for 18 months without a head, and supercuts of everyone killed by Superman and Batman.

People Can Now Have Their Tattoos Framed After They Die

Tattooed Lady
I realize that tattoos are more widespread than they used to be - in fact, three of my four kids have one or more, although I think they all got them in their late teens and haven't added to them as adults. At any rate, as the bumper sticker says, tattoos are not just for whores and sailors anymore. Or circus acts.

That said, the idea of flaying and then preserving a piece of skin from your recently deceased loved one, then framing and displaying it, seems to me to be a bit much. I do admire the marketing idea, however. Gotta love the entrepreneurial spirit.

If you would like to bequeath your tattoos to those left behind:
Save My Ink, a service offered by the National Association for the Preservation of Skin Art, enables tattooed people to designate recipients of their heirloom body art in their wills.
After the death of dues-paying members, writes Voon, the service will send along a removal kit to the funeral home, which then removes the tattoos and sends them along to NAPSA for preservation and framing.
To some, passing on your preserved skin to family members and friends might seem a bit ghoulish. But not according to NAPSA. On its website, the association says that, among other things, bequeathing tattoos shows that you “have a story and a legacy that you want to live on” and that the service allows tattooed people to “declare who you are, before others define who you are.” The site also includes a gallery of preserved tattoo art for would-be preservers.
 More at Smithsonian and NPR.

Sunday, September 27, 2015

Great "teachable moment" for the kids - tonight's total lunar eclipse/super blood moon

These come along quite rarely, and the next opportunity to see one will be in 2033. It's also nice (and not easy!) to find things that will give kids a better understanding of, and hopefully interest in, the mechanics of astronomy.

What's actually happening is a confluence of three things. The moon will be full and in its closest point in its orbit around the Earth, making it a so-called supermoon. In addition to this, a lunar eclipse will occur. In other words, the Earth will line up directly with the sun and moon, directly between the two, Wolf said. So the "moon will completely fall in the shadow of the Earth," he said.
Click here to embiggen.
Because a lot of light scatters off the Earth's atmosphere, the moon will not look completely dark but have a coppery red color — hence the blood moon moniker.
The moon will be at its closest orbital point to Earth as well as in its brightest phase, so it will appear bigger and more brilliant than usual—30% brighter and 14% larger than when it's at its farthest point (apogee), a difference of 31,000 miles. Sunlight sifting through the outer bounds of Earth’s atmosphere en route to the moon will cast that signature gory glow, making it both a blood moon and a super moon.
West coast kids will be have the best view  - totality is between 10:11 and 11:23 eastern time, so just after sunset Pacific time, plus the kids will still be awake and the weather tonight looks as though it will be much clearer out there.

NASA has a brief explanatory video: