Walter White’s, “I Am the One Who Knocks” Speech as Written by Other Authors (with bonus Samuel L. Jackson)

ICYMI, here's Samuel L. Jackson doing the "I am the one who knocks!" speech:




The original:



Re the other authors, read the whole thing at McSweeney's:

Jane Austen

“I’m the person who gentle folk hear after dinner, what strikes fear in their drawing rooms,” our heroine overheard the balding gentleman in the dark hat and spectacles remark to his astonished wife. “Perhaps we should take to Bath this summer,” the wife replied, changing the subject.

Edgar Allen Poe

“And so I come, heartily rapping, not at all gently tapping, tapping, upon the chamber door. Tis I,” he blustered, “and no one more.”

Ernest Hemingway

“I knock,” Walt said. That was all.

George R.R. Martin

“I am the man who swings the sword on others," said Ser Walder, of House White. "Valar morghūlis.”

J.K. Rowling

“Do not fear for me, my dear, for my alohomora spell is the one that makes Voldemort cower,” Walterius White explained to his wife, before transforming into a scorpion and scuttling into the outlet.

Dr. Seuss

“What do you think that it could be?

A horse, a cow, a tree, a bee?
You silly lady, don’t you see?

There is just one hand that can knock

It’s not a whimdingler come out of its flock
Nor a wackzinglit in a tick-tock clock

It’s a human hand and it’s on a spree
That hand is free and belongs to me.”