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Thursday, January 21, 2016

Alton Brown's critique of Amazon's dumbest kitchen gadgets, with bonus Amazon reviews

This set of Alton Brown reviews is a hoot, and some of these single-use gadgets are pretty dumb.

Here's the strawberry slicer. Review: "After breaking any number of egg slicers trying to slice up my strawberries, I finally found THE tool I needed!"

The Baker's Edge Nonstick Edge Brownie Pan, Review: "You could blow $35 bucks on this, or you could just pour your brownie batter into muffin tins, which you already have, giving you more brownie-edge per unit of batter."

The iPerfect Kitchen Meat Handling & Shredding Claws. Review: "Very sturdy. I'm just not sure what I bought these for. A fork will do the same job."

The Veggetti Spiral Vegetable Slicer. Review: "Sadly, this product broke upon first use. Returned for refund. 1 week later, I found one of its blades in my salad. Poor quality, and safety hazard. Recommend avoiding."

Hamilton Beach Breakfast Sandwich Maker. Review: "My excitement went from 10 to 2 :("

And my personal favorite: Rollie Hands-Free Automatic Electric Vertical Nonstick Easy Quick Egg Cooker. Review (spelling errors in original): "It work only one time then stop for ever never work again i think it is very sensetive .. Im disappointed."

Related posts:

Actual Reviews from Amazon Reenacted by Rhett & Link.

Product of the day at Amazon: temporary dye to restore the youthful pink color back to your labia (read the reviews)

Amazon item of the day: OptiSex Romantic Fantasy Swing Kit (maybe NSFW)

Also, Amazon has a list of its own favorite funny product reviews and a second collection of funny reviews inspired by reader input after the first list was published.) 

Brain Pickings has articles on The Art of the Humorous Amazon Review: Part 1 and Part 2.

Tuscan Whole Milk review excerpt (read the whole thing here):
Once upon a mid-day sunny, while I savored Nuts 'N Honey,
With my Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 gal, 128 fl. oz., I swore
As I went on with my lapping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at the icebox door.
'Bad condensor, that,' I muttered, 'vibrating the icebox door -
Only this, and nothing more.'
Not to sound like a complainer, but, in an inept half-gainer,
I provoked my bowl to tip and spill its contents on the floor.
Stupefied, I came to muddle over that increasing puddle,
Burgeoning deluge of that which I at present do adore -
Snowy Tuscan wholesomeness exclusively produced offshore -
Purg'ed here for evermore.
And the pool so white and silky, filled me with a sense of milky
Ardor of the type fantastic of a loss not known before,
So that now, to still the throbbing of my heart, while gently sobbing,
I retreated, heading straightway for the tempting icebox door -
Heedless of that pitter-patter tapping at the icebox door -
I resolved to have some more.
Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
'This,' said I, 'requires an extra dram of milk, my favorite pour.'
To the icebox I aspired, motivated to admire
How its avocado pigment complemented my decor.
Then I grasped its woodgrain handle - here I opened wide the door; -
Darkness there, and nothing more.
Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams of many Tuscans I had known before
But the light inside was broken, and the darkness gave no token,
And the only words there spoken were my whispered words, 'No more!'
Coke and beer, some ketchup I set eyes on, and an apple core -
Merely this and nothing more.
One of my favorites is this review for Fresh Whole Rabbit:
Every week, I order a fresh whole rabbit and affix it to a remote control car that is operated by one of my children. This way, I get the thrill of the hunt, and when the car's batteries are exhausted, I can leap upon it, bury my teeth into the rabbit's soft flesh and perform my ritual victory dance right there in the Walgreen's parking lot.


  1. Alton has obviously never pulled pork. The bear claws turn a one hour job into less than 15 minutes.

  2. Yes, Anonymous is correct about the pork-pulling claws. Works on other meat, and also useful for turning roasts and turkeys. Having a negative opinion is not a substitute for ignorance.

  3. These are funny and I almost ordered the claws yesterday but decided that I should try forks first just to save a few bucks.

    Alton should mine the Q & A sections. There's some real gold there. I'm baffled by the number of people who answer product questions by stating they can't answer the question because they haven't used the product.

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