The Onion: This week saw the first confirmed case of Ebola virus within the United States, the latest development in an outbreak that has already claimed over 3,000 lives. Here are some ways you can protect yourself against this deadly disease:
Boil all bodily fluids before consumption.
Regularly examine your DNA under an electron microscope for any indication that Ebola has attached itself to your cell membranes.
Recognize the symptoms of Ebola, which include fever, chills, and developing symptoms too late to do anything about them.
Cover the nose and mouth of Ebola patients when they sneeze to avoid spreading germs.
Avoid eating bat soup, which is actually pretty sound advice whether there’s an ongoing Ebola outbreak or not.
Ebola can only be spread once patients are symptomatic, so if you believe you’ve been exposed, get all your errands and public trips out of the way before your symptoms start showing.
Be sure to stay up to date on developments by signing up for the official CDC phone tree.
Try being born one of the 15 percent of rural Gabonese citizens with natural immunity to the virus.
Give billions of dollars to pharmaceutical companies.
If you see a suspicious-looking filamentous virus particle roughly one micron in length, stay away.
Related: CDC Officials Announce Free Ice Cream For Everyone, Delicious Tasty Ice Cream, And Also There Is An Ebola OutbreakContinue following lifelong plan of avoiding Dallas, TX at all costs.