From Joseph Mallozzi on X.
Thanks for the script. Overall, the plotting feels contrived and, at times, defies logic, so we’re going to require a fairly extensive rewrite for the second draft.
Our biggest issue with the script is the characterization of the Secret Service who come across as so inept that it defies credulity. Specifics to follow.
Could we put the building that the shooter climbs onto OUTSIDE a proper security zone instead of the current Pac Man configuration that only excludes his position?
The Secret Service Director character seems to lack the intelligence one would expect from someone in their position. Please have her come up with something more plausible than the “too slopey!" excuse for why no armed agents were stationed on the rooftop. Let’s work a little harder to create a more clever explanation for the egregious lapse in professional conduct, one that our audience could buy into. Maybe the shooter incapacitated the agents inside the building through non-lethal means, say a knock-out gas or drugs in their water supply. This could also explain how the shooter could have carried the ladder over, propped it up to the building, and climbed up without being noticed by law enforcement.
Speaking of the ladder, can we make it a lightweight retractable model instead of the 20 foot heavy version he is currently lugging around in the script? Or, better yet, could it already be there? Maybe the security personnel were planning to use it to climb onto the roof later or repairs were being effected to the roof earlier that morning.
Could we come up with an alternative explanation for why the Secret Service is curtailed rather than the current “He had to share with the President’s wife”?
I’m bumping on the idea of the Secret Servie outsourcing the protection of a Presidential candidate to a local police detachment of 12 officers. Can we double that number?
Can we lose the scene where the shooter passes through the security screening hours before the shooting with a rangefinder and is clocked by the Secret Service but nobody does anything about it? It makes them look incompetent.
Also lose the beat where the shooter’s family contacts law enforcement to warn them that their son has gone missing with an AR-15 three hours before the assassination attempt.
Can we not have the shooter spotted on the rooftop by the attendees? While I appreciate your attempt to ramp up the tension, having 30 minutes pass between the moment people point him out to when he finally takes the shot really feels like a stretch. Instead of all these people spotting him and shouting at authorities to no avail, how about making it a lone child instead? Say a three year old loses their balloon and watches it drift skywards, past the rooftop, where he sees the man on the roof. He turns to his mother and says: “Mommy, there’s a man on the roof!” But when his mother looks, there is no one there as the shooter has ducked down and the roof fully obscures him. His mother, of course, dismisses her son's comment as the product of a child's imagination.
Still bumping on why the sniper takes so long to shoot if he has spotted the threat (20 minutes earlier! Come on.). As a trained professional, he would have never allowed the shooter to get those shots off. The explanation that he was awaiting the green light from his superiors is a huge buy. I’d suggest some sort of communication breakdown but even that doesn’t really feel right. Let’s think on it.
The fact that the Secret Service allows the Presidential candidate onto the stage after an alert about the shooter goes out on an “all tactical channel" is a huge plot hole.
The shooter character feels cliche. Single young white male, bullied through high school, elects to act out by…trying to assassinate the Presidential frontrunner? Why? Let’s dig into his motivation a little more, come up with something that doesn’t rely on the tired “crazy loner” trope. Also, I have to admit to laughing out loud with the reveal that he is a registered Republican, an unintentionally hilarious twist that, I’m afraid, feels a little perfunctory and is not going to fool the audience. Having a record of him donating to a progressive committe just muddles the backstory here. The explosives in the car and bomb-making materials at his home also feel a little on the nose. Finally, could we get this guy SOME sort of internet presence? After all, he’s 20-years-old, not some octagenerian Luddite. Maybe an unremarkable instagram account or occasional post on reddit. If you want to lean into the “crazed conservative” angle, maybe give him an account on the X platform and have him retweet Mitt Romney or Adam Kinzinger.
Having the media break a story, days later, of a plot by Iran to kill the Presidential frontrunner is confusing, unncessary, and, when you think about it, actually makes the Secret Service look even worse because you’re effectively saying they were expecting an attack, heightened the security detail, and were STILL caught with their pants down. Suggest swapping out Iran for Russia in keeping with the current trend.
The DHS Secretary feels like your typical cartoon villain. Is there a way to humanize him a little? Maybe give him a funny dog? One of those Chinese Cresteds would be great!
The t.v. host that hints at the possibility the assassination was staged is great goofy comic relief! Just be careful not to make her too over-the-top delusional/loopy. A little goes a long way here.
I do have to admit that the revelation shadowy individuals shorted millions of shares of the Presidential frontrunner’s company to, presumably, cash in on his expected demise was very interesting as it adds another layer of intrigue, hinting at that broader, more insidious conspiracy you’ve already layered in. Would be great to hint at their comeuppance, the significant financial loss they incurred when their plans fells through.
That’s it for now. Looking forward to seeing how you address these notes in the rewrite!
